I've had much to ponder on these last couple of months. I've had a trial that needs to be recorded for posterity. I learned long ago not to say "Why Me?" when trials occur. I ask the question, "What can I learn from this?" Our Heavenly Father gives us trials to refine and strengthen us. These are to help mold us into the person He knows we can become. I don't know about you, but I want to be the woman He knows I can be. Everything is in His hands, and that is where I put it.
Since I've been married, I've know people who have lost little ones. I've been close to some of these and though it was not my own child, I felt the lost greatly. I pleading with my Heavenly Father that this experience would not be in His plan for me. I suffer from depression and when things get too much emotionally, I shut down completely. It has gotten a bit better over the years, though. I was afraid that losing a child would send me into such a deep depression that I would not ever recover from it.
During my pregnancy with Jacob (#6 baby), I had the impression several times that Jacob would not be with us for very long. So far, he is a happy, healthy 19 month old who has tons of energy and loves to climb. I've know women who have had miscarriages. My Grandmother had two. My mom and sisters have never gone through this experience. Neither have I..........until now.
After Jacob was born, I knew our family was not complete. I get the "someone is missing" feeling. It was so prevalent and happening so frequently, that I finally ask Joe to go pray about it. He came back telling me that not only is our family not complete, but the next baby will be a girl and her name will be Connie. Joe had a sister who was stillborn named Connie, so you can imagine my concern having a daughter with the same name. I left the coming of Connie to Heavenly Father. Toward the end to September, Joe had the overwhelming impression that Connie was to come NOW. Joe normally doesn't get these strong impressions about our unborn children, so I didn't question it. A month later, in late October, I was pregnant with Connie. We were so excited! We were thinking of middle names right away. Around 5 weeks pregnant I felt my precious Connie. I know what you're thinking, "How can any woman feel there unborn child at five weeks?" I thought it was strange, too. But I've had six other children and know that the long blippy bubble I felt at about 5 weeks was not gas, it was Connie. At 5 1/2 weeks pregnant we had a middle name. So Connie is now Connie Corrine Watson. The next night I started bleeding. It was November 6, 2013.
I've never bled during a pregnancy before, but it is not unheard of. The next day I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I was devastated. I know that was Connie. I felt her. I got down on my knees and asked my Heavenly Father if all Connie needed was to be in that tiny fetus of a body for just 5 1/2 weeks, or if she would still come to us. After that prayer, I knew I needed to get to the temple. I went the next day. Later that day, I new I needed a priesthood blessing. Joe gave me one that night. My first spiritual experience came during that blessing. I was told that Heavenly Father would not give me the answer to my question at that time. I was to focus on my children. During the beginning of the blessing, Joe had paused for a time. Afterwards, he told me that my Grandpa introduced himself to Joe. He told Joe to tell me that he loves me and that he was here with me during this time of grief. I know we have guardian angels. Angels have been assigned to certain children in the past. It was a comfort and a very special experience to know that my Grandpa was there with me that night. The veil is thin. Very thin. I got comfort at the temple the next day. I realized that Heavenly Father prepared me for this with my impressions of Jacob short lived life. I was also shown mercy in losing a child at the beginning of the pregnancy and not toward the end, or after birth.
Life went on. I was able to share aspects of my experience with people. I hope they was touched and felt the spirit. A month after the miscarriage I took a pregnancy test. It was Joe's birthday December 11, and I am pregnant again! Happy Birthday Joe! This baby is NOT Connie. I have had no impression what so ever. No movement yet of any kind. I am now 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. With knowing that this is a different spirit, I now know that I will raise my sweet Connie in the Millennium. This doesn't end there, though. Last night I went to the temple. During the session, my mind turned to Connie and how I will raise her in the Millennium. This was a firm confirmation to what I already knew. I also had another strong feeling about family later that night. The Lord has blessed me and my family. My children don't know about Connie yet, but will be told. She will never be on the records of the church here on earth, but she is most certainly part of our eternal family. If this baby is a boy, people will think that our pattern is broken when it is not. Time will only tell. I am so blessed to have this knowledge of the Gospel and personal revelation. Years ago I sat in the temple while pregnant with child #3. I had always thought it would be neat to sit in the temple and just know how many children you were to have. 5 flashed in my mind. I thought, "Ok. Does that mean 5 children, or 5 MORE children. Well, I guess it was 5 more children since I'm pregnant with spirit #8.
My heart has been so full these past couple of months. The Lord loves me and knows what I need. He is a loving and generous God. He is merciful. I thank Him for this wonderful experience. I look forward to meeting my Connie Corrine and raising her in the millennium.
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